DOUBLE EXPOSURE: It's all Greek to me (11/23/03)

DOUBLE EXPOSURE

by Khristina Lew

It's all Greek to me

We've all seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Most people liked it, but my Ukrainian American friends loved it - because they can relate to it. When Toula brings Ian home to meet her large, ethnic, overbearing family, we cringe with her. We've been there.

We empathize with Toula, but forget that it is poor Ian who has to strip to his skivvies to be baptized Greek Orthodox.

Nowadays there are a lot of Ians among us in the Ukrainian American community, and this month this space is for them.

Ask most people married to Ukrainian Americans who are not of Ukrainian descent themselves and they'll tell you that they have welcomed the Ukrainian culture and traditions. (Except for the Ukrainian custom of visiting the family dead after Easter - what my sisters and I fondly refer to as "Grave Day." That custom, says my brother-in-law Pete Hausler, is a "bit overwhelming. The whole day is spent chasing a priest around the cemetery." And of course there's the picnicking on the graves ...

First introductions to the Ukrainian American community can be tough. Dana Pencak of Windermere, Fla., says it was "difficult at first because of the rich culture and the Ukrainian language. But that only encouraged me to want to become a part of it. America is a melting pot, and people have lost their traditions. When I met [husband] Adrian's family, I wanted to learn the language, become part of the tradition."

Brian Tomko of Millburn, N.J., says that when he first started dating his wife, Anya, some people, especially men, would speak Ukrainian in front of him on purpose. "They knew I didn't understand the language, and they made it a barrier." Mr. Tomko has learned to speak Ukrainian and now, he laughs, "there are advantages to being excluded - I can tune certain people out."

Julie Gnoy of Warren, N.J., says that being introduced as the new girlfriend of a Ukrainian American man was "very intimidating," but that her sister-in-law, Chrystia Stasiuk, took her under her wing and helped her meet people.

Ghassan Chehadé of West Orange, N.J., noticed that "Ukrainians in America are very attached to each other through Ukrainian school, church, community." He is amazed that "neighbors in America don't know each other, but Ukrainians here know Ukrainians in Toronto." Mr. Chehadé was born in Lebanon and met his wife, Inya Bonacorsa, in Kyiv where he was studying. Neither could speak the other's language, so they communicated in French.

Douglas Forbes of Boulder, Colo., says it helps if you're interested in "other cultures, other languages, in travel," but that if you aren't a social person, "you might have a hard time with Ukrainian weddings, zabavas and funerals." He met his wife, Lida Bihun, at college where he studied the Russian language, and they lived together for several months, in Ukraine where he learned to speak Ukrainian.

All the people I spoke to have incorporated the Ukrainian heritage into their lives, in varying ways. Some have children who speak Ukrainian. Some have baptized their kids in the Ukrainian faith. Some have learned to speak Ukrainian themselves. There are many Ukrainian Americans who have not maintained their Ukrainian heritage; I have great respect for the non-Ukrainians who try.

The mix of Ukrainian and other cultures has had some interesting results. Douglas Forbes comes from a large Scottish clan. "I grew up with a strong sense of tradition. My family is focused around a giant interconnected web of shared values," he said. "Lida and I both have strong traditions, and with a little effort, our kids will grow up with strong feelings of inheritance from both sides of the family."

Ghassan Chehadé says that he is raising his son, Hassan, half-Ukrainian, half-Lebanese. "I am raising my son to respect both traditions and cultures. I should say that it has been hard to take that path, but I believe that it is healthier for all of us this way. If you suppress somebody's values you may find yourself in an explosive situation."

Julie Gnoy says that her daughter, Emily, will be raised Ukrainian to a certain extent, just not like others. "I'm Irish and Italian, so she'll get that too."

Brian Tomko talks about the difficulty he faced when his daughter, Katya, learned to speak Ukrainian before she spoke English. "My family worried that they would never be able to communicate with their grandchild, and we had to tell them that our decision was that Katya learns Ukrainian."

Dana Pencak says that since she's moved to Florida it's been more difficult to maintain the Ukrainian language at home. "In New Jersey we were immersed in the Ukrainian language. Here we really have to focus on speaking Ukrainian to each other in order to encourage Mia and Maksym to use it."

My brother-in-law, Pete Hausler, went to college with my husband, Adrian, and knew a lot about the community before he met my sister Olesia. "I was intrigued by the Ukrainian American phenomenon and always joked that I would marry a Ukrainian girl," he said.

Well he did, and now he's raising a Ukrainian girl of his own.

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