DOUBLE EXPOSURE: Coming to America (02/08/04)

DOUBLE EXPOSURE

by Khristina Lew

Coming to America

When I was visiting my parents in Washington, D.C., over Christmas, I ran into a friend from Lviv at church who recently moved into the area. After the liturgy I was surprised to meet up with several other friends - all women, all from western Ukraine, all but one married to Americans of Ukrainian descent.

It dawned on me that while this column has explored what it means to be Ukrainian in North America, I had yet to speak with any Ukrainians who had recently come here.

Their perspectives are interesting, and different from those who were born here, like me, or those who have lived here for a very long time, like my parents.

Olia Onyshko says one of her greatest challenges is starting over. She moved to Washington over a year ago when her husband, Darrin Hartzler, was transferred. They have two children. "I was raised to be independent, to have my own career, to be strong financially. I always had a good job and an active social life," she said. Olia held management positions with companies like McDonald's in Kyiv and was a founder of the Lvivske Tovarystvo (Lviv Group) in Kyiv. "There, my greatest challenge was how to approach [World Bank President James] Wolfensohn. Here, it is how to make 100 varenyky for a Christmas party."

Another friend from western Ukraine, Iryna Kotsko, echoes Olia's sentiment. An attorney, she held positions with Western firms in Kyiv. She studied in the United States on a fellowship and moved here permanently after marrying Roman Kramarchuk. "As a student in the U.S. I looked at my experience through rose-colored glasses. Now it is more difficult, because you have to find your place - it's not temporary."

She says that even with her education and experience, "I have to rebuild what I had in Ukraine." She adds that being married to an American of Ukrainian descent has not necessarily made the transition easier. But "having the same cultural background and speaking the same language is very important, because it reaffirms my Ukrainian identity and lessens the feeling of being in a different country," she said.

Olenka Ponos says her transition to the United States was easier because "We lived as foreigners in Ukraine. At that time [mid-1990s] there was no middle class, although there is one now, so I didn't have culture shock when I moved here. I worked for Americans, we traveled." Olenka met her husband, Roman Ponos, at a TWG conference in Washington when she was an intern with the Lviv Institute of Management.

Since Olenka arrived in the United States in 1998 she and her husband have lived in Arizona, California and Virginia. She is amazed that the diaspora was able to safeguard the Ukrainian language and culture. "It's unbelievable, and very difficult to do."

Marta Kulchytska says that her transition to the United States was seamless because she was surrounded by Ukrainians, "and I didn't feel like I was in a new world. Family and friends helped me." She met her husband, Yaro Kulchytskyj, at a congress of Ukrainian students in Kyiv. They have four children.

For Olia, life in the United States has, at times, been harder. While the other women have husbands of Ukrainian descent, Olia's husband, Darrin, is an American (who speaks Ukrainian). "When it comes to raising children, nothing is a given. You have to negotiate. What language will the children speak? Will they go to church? It's like I have two identities, two voices in my head when it comes to making a decision."

Marta and Olenka send their children to Ukrainian Saturday school and have become involved in the Washington community. They say they feel welcome there. Olia's experience has not always been as positive. "When I came here as a student in 1992 the community was very helpful, but to live here is something different," she said. "You are placed in the status of 'novo-prybuli' (newly arrived), and you are stereotyped. We have a saying - 'a stranger among your own.' In the United States I am a foreign woman - a stranger. In Ukraine I am a Ukrainian married to a foreign guy. There are prejudices everywhere."

Olenka's husband, Roman, offers another stereotype: "People will say 'she only married an American to get a passport' or 'he only married her to get a wife.' You're never going to win," he said.

So are American men different from Ukrainian men? All four women agree that American men help out more with the children and in the house. "They are not ashamed to help out," says Olenka. "In Ukraine, it's beneath a man to help because there is a sense that Ukrainian women are somehow worse than men - they are raised that way."

Olia elaborates: "Either a man is decent or he isn't. Ukrainian men have more of a challenge to maintain their integrity because they live in a totalitarian society where it's difficult to remain honest. When society is in crisis there is instability in the family."

And so, from this small sample, it is clear that these women from Ukraine have a different perspective on life here in the diaspora as opposed to back home, and that their ideas are worth hearing and sharing.

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